No happiness is possible without friendship. Humans are social animals — we cannot live by or for ourselves and get away with it. That is simply impossible — we must come in contact with other people whether they are members of our family, neighbors, co-workers or shopkeepers. That being the case, we must get along with others to the best of our ability. The better we get along with •others, the more friends we are apt to have and the happier we are liable to be.
To make friends you must have it in you or else try to develop an understanding of the other fellow’s interests and needs. You cannot be friends with anyone unless you both “speak the .same language” and understand one another, always being ready and willing to do your utmost for the other.
People are the most interesting and useful objects of study in life. Most of your earthly knowledge comes from the experiences of others. From associating with others you not only learn all you need to know but you collect wisdom, experience, and wit, you exercise your own qualifications, and you benefit materially and mentally.
We are all apt to think that we are different than anyone else. It is human nature to be individualistic and segregate one’s personality from all others. However, basically we are all pretty much the same physically, mentally, and emotionally. Other people are no different than you—no matter what their status, race, color, or nationality may be. They all have the same feelings, aspirations, worries, loves, and hatreds, the same ways of reacting to life conditions and circumstances, the same ways of expressing themselves as you do.
Do not build a wall between yourself and others imagining that they are unapproachable—they want your friendship and association just as badly as you want theirs. Most people are lonesome and would love to become friendly with others but are held back by the restraints of shyness and codes of ethics. Do not hesitate to approach strangers with a kind word to start an acquaintance. The moment the barriers of formality are hurdled people unfold themselves and become friendly.
Try your best to be a good listener. Let the other fellow tell you of his interests and opinions. Your keen attention will predispose him favorably towards you, and you have gained a friend. It is not at all necessary to be a “yes” man; just show your interest in the other’s personality. Be sympathetic to the other person’s troubles no matter how trivial they may seem to you. Try to comfort a person and advise him only when he is asking for it—never force it on him. Unwanted advice is unwelcome and is mostly met with hostility.
The next important factor in making and keeping friends is the willingness to help others. The saying, “Do unto your neighbor as you would expect him to do unto you” is the best motto for acquiring friends. Friends cost money, and in order to have them you must always be ready to give and not expect a return. You may receive back in kind or you may not. But you will have satisfaction and feeling of happiness from the knowledge that you have helped someone, and thus have done a good deed. You must give not only of your material possessions but of your spiritual self as well—affection, esteem, consideration, and attention—these are all emotions that will win for you lasting friends.
In order to be able to share knowledge that would be of help to others you must apply yourself to learning more and acquiring qualifications that would make you a more accomplished person. Acquaint yourself with timely subjects of importance and interest so that you may become a source of interest and inspiration for others. Keep in touch with current events, read books and develop opinions. Learn to carry on an interesting conversation and prepare in advance stories for various occasions.
Show your interest and helpfulness in your friends’ sorrows, joys, and happenings by sending them cards, calling them on the telephone, and corresponding with them. Keep a list of birthdays, anniversaries, and other events. Show your devotion by sending a card on each of these occasions.
Of course, you must not let anyone misuse you or put something over on you. Quite often people are spoiled and more damage than good is done by giving in to their petty whims. You must be firm in refusing your friends or relations whenever you consider their requests unfair to you or harmful, rather than helpful, to themselves. A refusal must be accomplished with serenity, a logical explanation, and kind attitude.
Another important principle in making friends is to have respect for their rights and their opinions. Never ask for, or expect, too much to be done for you. There is a limit to what one can do, and going over that limit will strain and mar your relationship. Some people will be shy about refusing your requests; they may give in to them but will hold it against you and you will lose their friendship.
There is nothing a hundred per cent certain. Never think that your opinion about anything is absolutely correct even if all logic seems to be in favor of it. It may turn out later that you were wrong. Therefore, even if you don’t agree with the other fellow at the moment, respect his opinion. Show no contempt or ridicule-it hurts the other person more than if you slapped him in the face.
Personal kidding is also a very bad habit with many people. On the surface it seems like humor and innocent fun, but it hurts the other fellow just the same because it makes him feel small in the presence of others. To have fun at someone else’s expense, whether it is a practical joke on the person or just a jab, is nothing but a form of mild sadism. Beware of that if you want to have friends.
Another common weakness of humanity is criticizing and finding fault with others. None of us is perfect; the faults we find in others may be just the ones others find in us. The best thing for us to do is to reserve judgment and not criticize anyone behind his back, or, worse than that, is criticizing him directly without a good reason just to show what we know or possess. Criticism, when applied, should have been called for; it should be constructive and helpful and given in good spirit. Negative, destructive criticism or faultfinding is not conducive to good friendship.
In our relationship with others we must be as ethical and as •diplomatic as possible. We should not tell others, without provocation, or even upon being provoked to it, all we think of them. We can see a person doing wrong yet not always is it up to us to teach him a lesson. When we find this necessary, we must do it in the finest and mildest form we are capable of. Then it will be executed properly, appreciated and a lesson learned. This applies to all ages, and to your own children as well as your friends.
Self-pity is another impediment to friendship. Too many of us are so engrossed in ourselves and our petty troubles that at the least encouragement we are happy to go into detailed reports of all our ailments, family troubles, et cetera, and repeat the same stories on every occasion of meeting the same person. In this manner we make unendurable bores of ourselves, and pretty soon we find that our acquaintances begin avoiding us under one pretense or another.
When approached on the subject of our private troubles we should relate the matter in the shortest possible manner, and then try to change the conversation to something of a more cheerful nature. People have enough troubles of their own and would rather listen to interesting or encouraging matters than to someone else’s troubles or problems unless they themselves are directly involved in similar matters and are interested to learn from your experience.
Never employ friendship for a selfish purpose. No matter how skillfully disguised, it will soon be recognized with the result that you will lose your friends. Seek friendship in order to give—not receive. To have friends you must be a friend.
In your relations with your friends, and for that matter all those you come in contact with, try to be kind and courteous, accommodating and sincere. Do not try to be the center of attention, but pay attention to others. Do not monopolize a conversation or keep interrupting others in order to have your say. Never take a condescending or paternal attitude even when you feel that you are superior to the other person. Always make your associates feel that you are one of them; that you are no better or smarter than they are; that you are anxious to learn things from them, and true it is, that you can learn something from every person—even, as they, from a fool.
Try to constantly enlarge the circle of your friends by acquiring new ones all the time. You will thus be continually refreshed by new experiences, come across new interests, acquire knowledge, inspiration, fun, and happiness. And remember that:
There is a destiny that makes us brothers, None goes his way alone;
All that we send into the lives of others Comes back into our own.
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